Early Morning Cry

Today was like an early morning cry kind of day. Like when you wake up and the first thing you do is cry. That used to be a routine for me. A habit almost. Realizing another day is to take place and the overwhelming and all encompassing strength it will take to get out of bed and get thru it all. So first a cry. I don’t do that much anymore.

pic credit: JLozier

It was like that today. It was a grey and gloomy day. It rained all day. I drove in that rain all day and listened to Billie Holiday . It was the right music to go with the mood. It almost made it like a soundtrack to a sad and dreary movie drama. I felt like I was in my own movie. A little bit of out of body experience today. I had to take some pictures as I drove.

I can’t help but get emotional when Billie sings. She embodied Heartbreak, every pore on her body oozed with heartbreak. She shared it with us in small doses of three, four and five minute songs. Just enough to always leave us wanting more.

Pic credit by google.

Here’s some of the songs that shattered me today.

“If the Moon turned green”

https://youtu.be/qqMMSY-VbXM

“You Better Go Now” was always one of my favorites.

https://r.be/wpB9nwhpv

“You’ve Changed”:

https://youtu.be/ir2eBab1KDE

Yeah it was a Billie Day. Gloomy Thursday. Everything I saw looked gloomy and with the back drop of Lady Day Singing everything was that much deeper.

Here is a picture of a Alter I took today in Paterson NJ. I call it ” Paterson Life” for obvious reasons. I was making up stories all day about this alter trying to fill in the blanks about why it was there and what young soul it was for. Very Sad ūüėĘ

pic credit : JLozier

Here is a picture I took today of a Red House with a graveyard peeping out the back. I wonder who lives there? Newark NJ

pic credit : JLozier

Here is a picture of a pair of birds on the waters edge, are they mates? I think so. Then a single black bird in flight while all his friends sit perched in the nearby tree filling in the bare branches. These two pictures were from Haverstraw, New York.

pic credit : JLozier

I’m not sure what the forecast calls for tomorrow but maybe the sun will be shining. One can hope but beauty and joy can be found in the gloomy days as well. There is beauty in the tears and heartbreak, in the solitude of lost souls that are no longer on this earth. In the naked cold wet earth and bare lines of nature before spring blooms. The beauty Is always all around us.

Love and Happiness

Jloz

Every Time a Bell Rings ….

Just a short little note to my fellow bloggers today. Merry Christmas! I also wanted to thank all my angels out there. You all know who you are. The holidays wouldn’t be special if we couldn’t tell the ones we love how much we love and treasure them. I hope you all have a Very Merry Christmas and I appreciate you all who follow this blog.

I hope you all enjoy a healthy and happy day with your family and friends and if your alone then I hope you take comfort in your solitude because that can be a beautiful gift in itself. And please don’t ever forget ” every time a bell rings an Angel gets his wings”

Image by google.

Love and Happiness and Merry Christmas.

Jloz

Like Water ‚Ä™…….

Sometimes you can’t even explain what you feel for a person. It‚Äôs like trying to explain what water tastes like , it‚Äôs impossible. –

122D0F56-6A83-4C86-8163-DC2023862680~~~~~unknown

To be sure…I am a forest, and a night of dark trees: but he who is not afraid of my darkness, will find banks full of Roses under my Cypresses ” ~~~¬†Friedrich Nietzsche. ¬† ¬†

———————————————————————

Blame Nobody.

Expect Nothing.

Do Something .

“Sometimes it’s to your advantage for people to think you’re crazy” – Thelonious Monk

The World is like a Prism

This morning there was a video on the news of: Protesters inside Columbus Circle globe in front of Trump Hotel. All these comments came up on the video where people were saying go get a job, all sorts of mean comments about the protestors. I don’t care if you support Donald Trump but we the people have the constitutional right to protest. You all like to throw the constitution at us all the time. Just because your protesting doesn’t mean you’re not working. Not everyone works 9-5 which backs up my point of this post. Just because you work 9-5 doesn’t mean the rest of the world does.

But what strikes me about these people is their inability to see anything from a different point of view other than their own. The world is s like a prism and it has many angels. viewing the world from only your angle, is short sided and I would say even cruel. .

We need to LOVE from all angles. We need to SEE from all angles. Not just the angles we can see from where we comfortably sit. I try every day to try to see things from other people‚Äôs point of view. I make mistakes and I say the wrong things sometimes but my heart is real and I try to walk in the shoes  of my brothers and sisters. I try to walk in the footprints of  our ancestors for we stand on their shoulders and  we should‚Äônt let their sacrifice and  wisdom go to waste.  If I consciously make a decision to do this every day; then I can truly love our differences instead of being fearful of them.  And we already know that there is nothing  to fear but fear itself.

Love abd Happiness,

Jloz

D for Deranged. 

When I started this blog I knew I was going to be honest about my life and mental illness. I knew it would be cathartic and cleansing for me. I also knew there would be some backlash. I told myself to be honest even if it gets scary. I told myself to tell the good and the bad because that’s life. Even when bad stuff happens I know there is a nugget of truth or wisdom I can take from it. God knows that’s the truth. If there’s one thing I learned in all of the pain; I learned that if you survive it;¬† it produces something genuine and sinuous. There is a gracefulness of movement in my body and my mind. I don’t mean in the traditional sense but a new-found comfort with myself and how I move emotionally and physically. It’s hard to describe but I am doing the best I can.

I went to a Jam the other day to sing. It was the first time going there and it’s was super fun. I will definitely go back. I met a lot of nice people, musicians etc. When it was my time to get up and sing I was telling everyone what key I was going to sing in so I said Born under a bad sign in D like dog.  Then the Drummer looked at me and said, you mean D for Deranged. I said, what did you just say? I said interesting choice of words.

He just had this weird smile on his face. I was smiling, positive and then he said that. It does hurt because I‚Äôm sensitive. It hurts because I try so hard to start over and live a peaceful life. I don‚Äôt do well with people attacking me. Especially people I don‚Äôt know. If your honest about having a mental illness whether you’re in recovery or not you will have to expect this. I don‚Äôt know this man and he damn sure doesn’t know me so he had no right to say that because I am certainly not deranged. The other part of this is I am a woman who does speak her mind. I also let others speak their mind and I will listen but A lot of men hate on that. They call you all sorts of names and your just supposed to take it, like woman aren’t supposed to have an opinion. I told a friend the other day; I said no one is letting me be the new me and it‚Äôs so frustrating and he told me to write it down. Yeah write that down. So I did.

It took me a long time to realize how to help myself¬† but I did. It‚Äôs a lot of suffering and a lot of work but I‚Äôm doing it and that’s why comments like this is so hard to take. So I wrote it down. No one is letting me be the new me. ¬†I looked at it over and over and I realized why he told me to write it down. I think he told me to write that down because he was telling me they don‚Äôt get to choose. You get to choose. You get to choose what and who you react too. What and who you give power too. I already know this. It‚Äôs up to me; not them. I know this in my brain but in my heart; it is still not sure; its latent and slow. I might be a bit of a Pollyanna and want to live in a world where everyone loves each other. I never thought Pollyannaism was a bad thing.

I have talked about this before that the stigma for mental health is so severe and negative compared to someone who is suffering from cancer etc. I can focus on the wonderful people I met that night or the few guy’s who weren’t so kind. I was warned by some people that there might be some people there to try to hurt me. It’s up to me what to focus on. I am training my brain to focus on the positive people and forget about the angry negative cruel ones.

Everyday I am getting better, stronger and a little less sensitive. I will always be honest, I will probably still say the wrong thing sometimes but my heart is in the right place. I will apologize if I hurt you and I will still love you no matter what. I love the guy that called me deranged and I love the others guys that stood in front of me when I sang and told me how old I looked. I knew they were trying to intimidate me and that’s cool. If that’s how they want to spend their evening so be it. Sometimes I get mad and forget what it is I’m trying to do. But when I am alone and with myself in solitude I realize then again that I love you all.

I have no room in my heart for any hate; it’s puffed up with love. Peace.

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

 

James Baldwin’s -No name in the street.                                                                              

  • Take Care of your own. 

“In benighted, incompetent Africa, I had never encountered an orphan: the American streets resembled nothing so much as one vast, howling, unprecedented orphanage. It has been vivid to me for many years that what we call a race problem here is not a race problem at all: to keep calling it that is a way of avoiding the problem. The problem is rooted in the question of how one treats one‚Äôs flesh and blood, especially one‚Äôs children. ” 

  • Freedom doesn‚Äôt really mean we‚Äôre Free. There are expectations and even then it‚Äôs all a lie. 

“And what the white students had not expected to let themselves in for, when boarding the Freedom Train, was the realisation that the black situation in America was but one aspect of the fraudulent nature of American life. They had not expected to be forced to judge their parents, their elders, and their antecedents, so harshly, and they had not realised how cheaply, after all, the rulers of the republic held their white lives to be. Coming to the defence of the rejected and the destitute, they were confronted with the extent of their own alienation, and the unimaginable dimensions of their own poverty. They were privileged and secure only so long as they did, in effect, what they were told: but they had been raised to believe that they were free.”

For the Stalkers ūüíč

Let everything that’s been planned come true. Let them believe. And let them have a laugh at their passions. Because what they call passion actually is not some emotional energy, but just the friction between their souls and the outside world. And most important, let them believe in themselves. Let them be helpless like children, because weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing. When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it’s tender and pliant. But when it’s dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death’s companions. Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being. Because what has hardened will never win.¬† Andrei Tarkovsky

Stalker_poster

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

My Process. My Truth

mlk-montgomery-bus-boycott

In the spirit of Martin Luther King Jr. Today I thought I would be honest and share my thought process in making hard decisions.  Martin Luther King would have been 88 years today. I always reflect on his birthday because he is so important to me. I like that picture of him above during the Bus Boycott. Two of my favorite things, Martin and PEPSI. HA!

But seriously when I had to make a really important decision in life and I wasn’t smart enough to make an informed decision myself I had a trick. I would find smarter people than I that fit three criteria and I would follow their lead.¬†I am always in search of a Righteous Mind.

1. The first criteria is they had similar beliefs and the principles as myself and led their life with unwavering conviction on what they believed and never stopped believing. 

2. They had access to information that the average citizen might not have. For Example. Hollywood folks or ex CIA / FBI . Doctors etc. You can get creative and with all the blogs and info out there on the world-wide web that is easier to find now more than ever.

3. They helped others and often without being really obvious about it. 

¬†When I find that person or persons and I don’t know what to do I would look to them and I tried to mimic or¬†do what they did or some form or part of it. We all get lost sometimes so we all need a North Star once in while . I know I did. ¬†I look to those people now more than ever. It is a confusing time. I keep hoping the previous first family will be able to do more good now that they will be released from the constraints that politics ensures. No Bi-Partisan Congress wall to conquer daily. I often think about those famous eyes on that billboard¬†in the Great Gatsby.¬† Dr. T. J Eckleburg. I can’t seem to get that image out of my mind lately.

doctor_t__j__eckleburg_by_sukimd2

That and that scene in the Jack Nicholson’s movie Five Easy Pieces where he picks up those two lesbian Hitch Hikers and they keep talking about everything is crap …crap, crap and more crap.

 

Were they the eyes of GOD judging and watching ¬†the morally bankrupt wasteland ?¬† Why was he just watching and not doing¬†anything about it.¬†Was that Fitzgerald’s way of saying there is no GOD or that GOD thinks we have to figure it out for ourselves. The people’s¬†distrust of political , Social and Religious institutions were breeding new thought. Is there even a GOD? Is it really just up to us?¬†I don’t know. I don’t know¬†but I know I need to do better and do more.

So what’s next¬†for me and the whole world and how can I help? If you have any ideas hit me up.

I look at 2017 as a year to be a better me than the last. When they go low, we go high. Wink.

 Peace ya all.  #myprocess #northstar #service  #mlkjrday

Love and Happiness

Jloz

Barbed Wire Soul

You know as I continue to watch this ridiculous political race unfold in front of my eyes and continue to watch the way the world is going I  continue to kind of scratch my head and say why?  Why?  You know growing up,  I always kind of felt like when everyone else was admiring someone I was the only one admiring the other guy. I never liked the role models my friends liked;  I was different that way. But there was a underlining thread in my role models. they were usually  honest, had integrity and they were usually the underdogs. I feel the same way now.

‚ÄúIf there is a hard, high wall and an egg that breaks against it, no matter how right the wall or how wrong the egg, I will stand on the side of the egg. Why? Because each of us is an egg, a unique soul enclosed in a fragile egg. Each of us is confronting a high wall. The high wall is the system which forces us to do the things we would not ordinarily see fit to do as individuals . . . We are all human beings, individuals, fragile eggs. We have no hope against the wall: it’s too high, too dark, too cold. To fight the wall, we must join our souls together for warmth, strength. We must not let the system control us — create who we are. It is we who created the system. (Jerusalem Prize acceptance speech, JERUSALEM POST, Feb. 15, 2009)‚ÄĚI look at what¬†America¬†puts on a pedestal. It seems like we want¬†shallow, we want liars, we want vacant. I don’t get it. I have to be honest, I felt hope with Barack Obama. I thought it was a step in the right direction. I still feel that way. I think¬†OUR country needed Barack and Michele and I think the African-American¬†citizens¬†¬†needed Barack and Michele. Why are we going backwards?

Why is this country so shallow? Why is this country so ready to praise the Kardashians and all this nonsensical reality stars or the Trumps of the world. Why are they media’s sweethearts? And nothing against the Kardashians but why are these people even in demand. I don’t get it. Why is the media talking about the Kardashians every day? Big Business? ¬†Why is Trump in a presidential race.? He is a known racist and misogynist. He isn’t good, he isn’t a leader.¬†Why would¬†ANY woman VOTE¬†for that?¬†I know the world is corrupt but the people of this country could make a difference. Why are we dumbing down our country. I mean I guess our country is probably the most informed it has ever been because of the ability to share information so quickly and wide spread so I get that. But why is the media feeding us such bullshit. I feel like we are the watered down USA.¬†It reminds me of when the waitress in you local diner waters down the catsup¬† and thinks no one notices.

So as I was watching the debate I kept thinking of something I read a while back. One of my favorite movies is HUD, with Paul Newman. This was one of the few times Paul played a really bad guy. No Morals. The tag line was A man with the barbed wire soul. Melvyn Douglas played his father.

paul_newman_and_melvyn_douglas_hud

I will never forget what Melvyn Douglas said to his son. It was heartbreaking but it was memorable. https://youtu.be/1gVa4FAikBghttps

You don’t care about people Hud. You don’t give a damn about ’em. Oh, you got all that charm goin’ for ya. And it makes the youngsters want to be like ya. That’s the shame of it because you don’t value anything. You don’t respect nothing. You keep no check on your appetites at all. You live just for yourself. And that makes you not fit to live with.¬†

Little by little the look of the country changes because of the men we admire. You’re just going to have to make up your own mind one day about what’s right and wrong. — Homer Bannon.

Sounds Familiar. Why do we continue to put the bad guys on a pedestal? Why do we continue to admire them?

Even Paul Newman was surprised that so many young¬†men had posters of Hud in their rooms after the movie came out. He¬†couldn’t ¬†understand the admiration¬†HUD received¬† from the movie goers.¬† He actually was quite spooked by it.Why would they love a guy¬†that was a cad, a narcissist, a Liar,¬†dishonest and a rapist! Paul Newman said he didn’t like it at all. It was unsettling to him.

Even in the Movie Midnight Cowboy Jon Voight had a picture of Hud Bannon in his room.He was admiring himself in the mirror with Hud as inspiration. Maybe that was a telling scene since Jon Voight continues to endorse and side with Trump. Hmm.

Anyhow it always stuck with me. Little by little the country changes because of the men we admire. Still rings true.

1969-midnight-cowboy-02

hud

The Absence of Love

Sometimes the Absence of¬†Love can make us understand it even more. Like the negative of a old photograph, we see it from a different perspective, if you strip away the color sometimes¬†you can¬†find the light. –

Love and Happiness

JLOZ