We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
Ok I get it …. I have been taking too many Selfies lately. It is down right Narcissistic. I get it. I know it; and you don’t have to tell me; I already know. I’ll tell you why I have been taking so many and maybe you will understand. It’s not because I am narcissistic and I definitely don’t think I am gorgeous, I’m ok..I mean I was always happy with my looks but never focused on it to the point that it completely defined me, I mean I never sat around wishing I looked like someone else. I was always ok with my looks most of the time anyway. We all have our moments. Ironically I always had the most beautiful best friends. I always ended up being best friends with the most beautiful girls in school. I was always the friendly side kick to the class knockouts. For Instance Judi, my high school BFF; then Cindy and then Beverly (both who were Beauty Queen Contest Winners) my two college BFF’S. I still think I was one of a small group of girls secure enough to be friends with these gorgeous Beauties. I was always ok with being the Ethel to the Lucy and the Betty to the Wilma and the Rhoda to the Mary. That was cool because I always had my own attributes and did just fine. I was busy playing soccer and partying and being fierce in a whole kind of different way and that was ok. It was all good and I loved existing next to them and watching them in all their glory. I loved my pretty girlfriends and loved to watch how life worked for girls like that. You know, Girls with perfect faces and perfect bodies. The girly girls. The girls that all the boys wanted and all the girls wanted to be. The girls that got invited to all the right parties and said all the right things. They say the grass is always greener …. I loved them and I will always have a special place in my heart for them and the memories we shared. Life wasn’t always so easy for them; sometimes it’s not so easy being the prettiest girl in the class. Marilyn Monroe was a perfect example of that. (love her by the way) It’s not always so easy being “loved” by so many. Anyway, so back to the Selfies.
There are a few reasons I am taking so many selfies lately. The #1 reason is because of Depression and I’ll tell you why. Hardcore Depression has kept me from looking in a mirror for the last 10 years. I literally forgot what I looked like and even though this illness changed the way I physically looked drastically as mental illness tends to do; I literally stopped looking at myself. I would avoid mirrors like the plague. Even if I did look at myself I didn’t see me, I saw someone that might have resembled me but definitely was not me. That is what mental illness does to you. I changes the way you physically look. You can stare at yourself in the mirror for hours and still not see yourself. You see the shell of you; some kind of blurry fuzzy mess of molecular mass that is supposed to resemble you but definitely isn’t you. You are not there. Your eyes are empty and red; your skin is dull; your soul is gone. You are in pain every day and that takes a toll on your body; your hair is brittle and every day is a bad hair day and your too sick to take care of your self or go to the gym or apply makeup. What people don’t understand is when you feel sick and tired like that every day trying to put on make up is an impossible task. It is like peeling off your skin slowly; that is the only way I can describe it. It is something that is almost a unthinkable torture and only if you live with this kind of emotional disease can you understand the words of what I am trying to describe. So many people tell me “you wouldn’t wear makeup”..it wasn’t that I wouldn’t wear makeup…I couldn’t wear makeup at that point in my life. I have had so many people put me down for not wearing makeup so there it is; that is my explanation; you might not believe me or you might think it is BS but the brain is a majestic powerful organ that has a hold on us and it is the controlling factor to ALL of our daily decisions and life’s daily routines. Just think what it is like if that organ is constantly working against you. People have said some of the most annoying things to me. A stranger who I don’t even know came up to me recently at a blues festival and said oh come on get over it …I almost died from cancer. I was like excuse me? Yeah get over it….I almost died. So after asking if she was ok because I am nice like that I kind of just shook my head like who the hell are you to say that to me especially since I have never spoke to you in my life. She was sitting next to my ex so she must have heard rumors from them..because I didn’t know her. So what she was trying to say to me was that her physical illness was much worse than whatever my mental illness was and I should just get over it. For one thing I don’t think we need to compete with each other with who is suffering more but does she know how many people die from depression. QUITE A FEW! Cancer is horrible and no one knows this more than I do but let’s not use it to dismiss someone else’s disease. Everyone who suffers suffers!. That’s it. Stop telling people to just get over it. Do people tell people with cancer to just get over it ? No! We don’t want to hear that. We are trying to get better; it takes a lot of work to get better; it takes a lot of discipline to stay well. There is so much more to depression than just feeling sad. The physical pain that goes along with it is mind-blowing. The up and downs and highs and lows are no joke either if your lucky to deal with that added bonus. We ask for your patience and compassion when we have sad days, we are trying. …
So with all that being said after years and years of figuring it all out I am finally seeing ME again. I finally look in the mirror and see me and my face has returned back to me. I am fascinated by the fact that it has come back to me and I have to admit I am a little obsessed with looking at it.. It is so good to see light in my eyes again and the color blue has returned to my eyes instead of red blurry pools that had taken up rent in my head for the last decade. The color returned to my skin and there is a healthy glow and the pain and lethargy is gone. The Joint pain is gone and so is so many of the other horrific side affects that go along with this disease. So Yes Yes…I am Guilty…I have been taking way too many selfies and having fun with the fact that I recognize myself again. I can honestly see myself in the mirror again and the reflection is someone I recognize!. So if you are one of my friends on Facebook please, please accept my apology for my temporary lack of better judgment and all of my narcissistic tendencies. Please Indulge me; and I promise I will stop. But before I do I have to tell you It feels really good to look in the mirror again and see me. It feels really good. I may not be the FAIREST OF THEM ALL but I see ME again and that’s all that matters. Here are some of my selfies below, in all different moods, Happy, Silly, No makeup, Makeup, Sad, Whatever. All Just me. This will be it for a while… I Promise.
Love and Happiness