Early Morning Cry

Today was like an early morning cry kind of day. Like when you wake up and the first thing you do is cry. That used to be a routine for me. A habit almost. Realizing another day is to take place and the overwhelming and all encompassing strength it will take to get out of bed and get thru it all. So first a cry. I don’t do that much anymore.

pic credit: JLozier

It was like that today. It was a grey and gloomy day. It rained all day. I drove in that rain all day and listened to Billie Holiday . It was the right music to go with the mood. It almost made it like a soundtrack to a sad and dreary movie drama. I felt like I was in my own movie. A little bit of out of body experience today. I had to take some pictures as I drove.

I can’t help but get emotional when Billie sings. She embodied Heartbreak, every pore on her body oozed with heartbreak. She shared it with us in small doses of three, four and five minute songs. Just enough to always leave us wanting more.

Pic credit by google.

Here’s some of the songs that shattered me today.

“If the Moon turned green”

https://youtu.be/qqMMSY-VbXM

“You Better Go Now” was always one of my favorites.

https://r.be/wpB9nwhpv

“You’ve Changed”:

https://youtu.be/ir2eBab1KDE

Yeah it was a Billie Day. Gloomy Thursday. Everything I saw looked gloomy and with the back drop of Lady Day Singing everything was that much deeper.

Here is a picture of a Alter I took today in Paterson NJ. I call it ” Paterson Life” for obvious reasons. I was making up stories all day about this alter trying to fill in the blanks about why it was there and what young soul it was for. Very Sad ūüėĘ

pic credit : JLozier

Here is a picture I took today of a Red House with a graveyard peeping out the back. I wonder who lives there? Newark NJ

pic credit : JLozier

Here is a picture of a pair of birds on the waters edge, are they mates? I think so. Then a single black bird in flight while all his friends sit perched in the nearby tree filling in the bare branches. These two pictures were from Haverstraw, New York.

pic credit : JLozier

I’m not sure what the forecast calls for tomorrow but maybe the sun will be shining. One can hope but beauty and joy can be found in the gloomy days as well. There is beauty in the tears and heartbreak, in the solitude of lost souls that are no longer on this earth. In the naked cold wet earth and bare lines of nature before spring blooms. The beauty Is always all around us.

Love and Happiness

Jloz

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We do not believe …..

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.

E.E. Cummings
I love you.

Love and Happiness,

Jloz.

Roadtrippin’

So I woke up this morning and decided to take a job driving to Minneapolis. It was impulsive and risky.¬† These are two behaviors that unfortunately go hand in hand with living with Bipolar, Especially when your running out of your medication. It is a sad day that benefits in New Jersey are so hard to get when you need them. I worked my whole life working very hard and paying my own way. It is very frustrating that when you actually need help from your state and government because you lose a job that it is almost impossible to get the help you need. I don’t foresee it getting any better under the Trump Regime.¬†

Anyway I took the job having no idea how I would get back home. I didn’t plan it well but it worked out. Thanks to a really nice customer who worked for Heineken¬† I ended up getting a driving job back home. He was a true angel. My Trip could have been a great short film because there was lots of stuff happening and I will explain some of it. Some of it I will leave for the book. I love to drive so I thought driving might be a good job for short-term but it isn’t worth it because you have to pay for your own hotels and that makes it less than desirable and not enough money to risk your life severely increasing your driving time on the road. The more you drive; the higher chance you can die. Obvious fact.

My trip was filled with a lot of music on the radio, a stop off in Chicago to meet a true blues legend and some blues disciples, met a bunch of friends along the way, a couple of really nice state troopers, thank you! Some definite drama, cold and snowy weather and some really bizarre tollbooth messengers. I wrote some song/lyrics called Tollbooth Preacher one day and I wish I could find it. It’s in a box somewhere and I can’t remember the lyrics. I’ll find it or an i’ll re-write it. I remember the premise. Here are some pictures from my trip. I stopped off in Chicago and met one of my blues heroes Buddy Guy. I also met some other friends as well.¬† All the employees that worked at Buddy Guy’s Legends was so friendly; From the awesome bartender to the cool lady bathroom attendant in the bathroom. Thanks for the deodorant. ūüôā Also met some really fun fellow blues fans and of course more guitar players. Here are some pictures of my trip. I will follow-up with a Night at Legends post with all my photos.

New Day. New moments. New Adventures. New Hope. Some Moments from my crazy trip.. 

 

 1.. Selfie In the car. Fake makeup app. Bored, more waiting.

2. Killing time at Manna Hamburgers Hackensack New Jersey waiting on my car getting detailed. Always wanted to go inside because of my obsession with Vintage Buildings, diners, signs and Businesses. 

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manna3. Taco Truck In Drums, Pennsylvania . Stopping off to get my money from the trucking center. They pay 80 percent up front. Trucking centers always fascinated¬†me; a whole culture going on there; if you ever need a shower on the go that’s the place to do it.¬†

img_4516

4. Me meeting my Blue’s Hero. Good timing. Good Luck. Thanks for the music and the inspiration Buddy.¬†

buddy guy

5. The Buddy Guy Legends sign…so happy to see it. http://www.buddyguy.com¬†I haven’t been back to legends since the 1990’s. It was in a different building back then. I met buddy back then as well, I was 26 years old. I even went to Maxwell Street on the south side back then but it was before camera phones and I didn’t have a camera with me so no pictures, sadly. Rough street but a blues history Gem. I wish I had pictures to share of Maxwell Street but they are only in my mind. Lots of Garbage Can fires burnin’ it was cold. The Hawk was out.¬†

legends sign

6.  So I’m sitting in a McDonald’s in Winnebago County, Illinois drinking coffee watching Fonzi, Captain Kirk, George foreman , Terry Bradshaw trying on lederhosen. I am not sure if it’s a new low or a new high!

jeanne at mcdonalds

¬†7. Traffic. That’s why I sat still for so long.¬†

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I stopped taking pictures after a while because stress took over but I finished driving to Minneapolis, then I turned around and drove back home. Had to get the new car detailed and fixed up so stopped in Rockford Illinois. Saw some messy ice and snow, met a chatty meth head at Starbucks… god bless him and while checking into a ahem..budget motel, I call them shake & bakes,¬† I got propositioned by a creepy hotel owner tweaking¬†on something ..yuk. So 2500 miles later I am back home.¬† Shout out¬†to the folks that helped me along the way and kept me safe. You know who you are. Peace!¬†

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

Mirror Mirror on the Wall….

Ok I get it …. I have been taking too many Selfies lately. It is down right Narcissistic. I get it. I know it; and you don’t have to tell me; I already know. ¬†I’ll tell you why I have been taking so many and maybe you will understand.¬†It’s not because I¬†am¬† narcissistic¬†and¬†I definitely don’t think I am gorgeous, I’m ok..I mean I was always happy with my looks but never focused on it to the point that it completely defined me,¬†I¬†mean I never sat around wishing I looked like someone¬†else.¬†I was always ok with my looks most of the time anyway. We all have our moments. ¬†Ironically I always had the most beautiful best friends. I always ended up being best friends with the most beautiful girls in school. I was always¬†the friendly side kick to the class knockouts. For Instance Judi, my high school BFF; then Cindy¬†and then Beverly (both who were Beauty Queen Contest Winners) my two college BFF’S. I¬†still think I¬†was one¬†of a small group of¬†girls secure enough to be friends with these¬†gorgeous Beauties. I was always ok with being the Ethel to the Lucy and the Betty to the Wilma and the Rhoda to the Mary. That was cool because I always had my own attributes and did just fine. I was busy playing soccer and¬†partying and being fierce in a whole kind of different way and that was ok. It was all good and I loved¬†existing next¬†to them and watching them in all their glory. I loved my pretty girlfriends and loved to watch how life worked for girls like that. You know, Girls with perfect faces and perfect bodies. The girly girls. The¬†girls that all the boys wanted and all the girls wanted to be.¬†The girls that got invited to all the right parties and said all the right things. They say the¬†grass is always greener …. I loved them and I will always have a special place in my heart for them and the memories we shared. Life wasn’t always so easy for them; sometimes¬†it’s not¬†so easy being the prettiest girl in the class. Marilyn Monroe¬†was a perfect example of that. (love her by the way) It’s not always so easy being “loved” by so many. Anyway, so back to the Selfies.

There are a few reasons I am taking so many selfies lately. The #1 reason is because of Depression and I’ll tell you why. Hardcore Depression has kept me from looking in a mirror for the last¬†10 years. I literally forgot what I looked like and even though this illness changed the way I physically looked drastically as mental illness¬†tends to do;¬†I literally stopped looking at myself. I would avoid mirrors like the plague. Even if I did look at myself I didn’t see me, I saw someone that might have resembled me but definitely was not me. That is what mental illness does to you. I changes the way you physically look. You can stare at yourself in the mirror for hours and still not see yourself.¬†You see the shell of you; some kind of blurry fuzzy mess of molecular mass that is supposed to resemble you but definitely isn’t you. You are not there. Your eyes are empty and red; your skin is dull; your soul is gone. You are in pain every day and that takes a toll on your body;¬†your hair is brittle and every day is a bad hair day and your too sick to take care of your self or go to the gym or apply makeup. What people don’t understand is when you feel sick and tired¬†like that every day trying to put on make up is an impossible task. It is like¬†peeling off your skin slowly; that is the only way I can describe it.¬†It is something that is almost a¬†unthinkable¬†torture and only if you live with this kind of emotional disease can you understand the words of what I¬†am trying to describe. So many people tell me¬† “you wouldn’t wear makeup”..it wasn’t that I wouldn’t wear makeup…I couldn’t¬†wear¬†makeup at that point in my life. I have had so many people put me down for not wearing makeup so there it is; that is my explanation; you might not believe me or you might think it is BS but the brain is a majestic powerful organ that has a hold on us and it is the controlling factor to ALL of¬†our daily decisions and life’s daily routines. Just think what it is like if that organ is constantly working against you. People have said some of the most annoying things to me. A stranger who I don’t even know came up to me recently at a blues festival and said¬†oh come on get over it¬†…I almost died from cancer. I was like excuse me? Yeah get over it….I almost died.¬†So after asking if she was ok because I am nice like that I kind of just shook my head like who the hell are¬†you to say that to me especially since I have never spoke to you in my life. She was sitting next to my ex so she must have heard rumors from them..because I didn’t know her. So what she was trying to say to me was that her physical illness was much worse than whatever my mental illness was and¬†I should just get over it.¬†For one thing¬†I don’t think we need to compete with each other with who is suffering more but does she know how many people die from depression. QUITE A FEW! Cancer is horrible and no one knows this more than¬†I do but let’s not use it to¬†dismiss someone else’s disease. Everyone who suffers suffers!. That’s it. Stop telling people to just get over it. Do people tell people with cancer to just get over it ? No! We don’t want to hear that. We are trying to get better; it takes a lot of work to get better; it takes a lot of discipline to stay well. There is so much more¬†to depression¬†than just feeling sad. The physical pain that goes along with it is mind-blowing. The up and downs and highs and lows¬†are no joke either if your lucky to deal with that added bonus. We ask for your patience and compassion when we have sad days, we are trying. …

So with all that being said after years and years of figuring it all out¬†I¬†am finally seeing¬†ME again. I finally look in the mirror and see¬†me and my face has returned back to me. I am fascinated by the fact that it has come back to me and I have to admit I am a little obsessed with looking at it.. It is so good to see light in my eyes again and the color blue¬†has returned to my eyes instead of¬†red blurry¬†pools that had taken up rent¬†in my head for the last decade. The color returned to my skin and there is a healthy glow and the pain and lethargy is gone.¬†The¬†Joint pain¬†is gone and so¬†is so many of the other horrific side affects that go along with this disease.¬†¬†So Yes Yes…I am Guilty…I have been taking way too many¬†selfies and having fun with the fact that I recognize myself again. I can honestly see myself in the¬†mirror again and the¬†reflection is someone I recognize!.¬†So if you are one of my friends on Facebook please, please accept my apology for my temporary lack of¬†better judgment and all of my narcissistic tendencies. Please Indulge me;¬† and I promise I will stop. But before I do I have to tell you It feels really good to look in the mirror again and see me. It feels really good. I may not be the FAIREST OF THEM ALL but I see¬†ME again and that’s all that matters. Here are some of my selfies below, in all different moods, Happy, Silly, No makeup, Makeup, Sad,¬†Whatever. All Just me. This will be it for a while… I Promise.

Love and Happiness

Jloz

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