Today is #worldbipolarday2018 . Bless all my brothers and sisters that live with hope and strength and fight stigma on a daily basis. Let‚Äôs sparkle in 2018. ūüíõ I‚Äôve been missing some people that I love lately and I realize they are always with me in some way ; I always have their wisdom in my heart. My dad has been gone for about 12 years now and sometimes I struggle with not being able to ask him for advice or just listen to his beautiful voice or watch him in his beautiful glory. The way he influenced people and helped people by just being him. He left me with the heart I need to carry on with out him. That‚Äôs the strength I carry. I love all my ghosts and angels. Always Stay ‚≠źÔłŹ‚ú®#bipolarstrong.

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Roadtrippin’

So I woke up this morning and decided to take a job driving to Minneapolis. It was impulsive and risky.¬† These are two behaviors that unfortunately go hand in hand with living with Bipolar, Especially when your running out of your medication. It is a sad day that benefits in New Jersey are so hard to get when you need them. I worked my whole life working very hard and paying my own way. It is very frustrating that when you actually need help from your state and government because you lose a job that it is almost impossible to get the help you need. I don’t foresee it getting any better under the Trump Regime.¬†

Anyway I took the job having no idea how I would get back home. I didn’t plan it well but it worked out. Thanks to a really nice customer who worked for Heineken¬† I ended up getting a driving job back home. He was a true angel. My Trip could have been a great short film because there was lots of stuff happening and I will explain some of it. Some of it I will leave for the book. I love to drive so I thought driving might be a good job for short-term but it isn’t worth it because you have to pay for your own hotels and that makes it less than desirable and not enough money to risk your life severely increasing your driving time on the road. The more you drive; the higher chance you can die. Obvious fact.

My trip was filled with a lot of music on the radio, a stop off in Chicago to meet a true blues legend and some blues disciples, met a bunch of friends along the way, a couple of really nice state troopers, thank you! Some definite drama, cold and snowy weather and some really bizarre tollbooth messengers. I wrote some song/lyrics called Tollbooth Preacher one day and I wish I could find it. It’s in a box somewhere and I can’t remember the lyrics. I’ll find it or an i’ll re-write it. I remember the premise. Here are some pictures from my trip. I stopped off in Chicago and met one of my blues heroes Buddy Guy. I also met some other friends as well.¬† All the employees that worked at Buddy Guy’s Legends was so friendly; From the awesome bartender to the cool lady bathroom attendant in the bathroom. Thanks for the deodorant. ūüôā Also met some really fun fellow blues fans and of course more guitar players. Here are some pictures of my trip. I will follow-up with a Night at Legends post with all my photos.

New Day. New moments. New Adventures. New Hope. Some Moments from my crazy trip.. 

 

 1.. Selfie In the car. Fake makeup app. Bored, more waiting.

2. Killing time at Manna Hamburgers Hackensack New Jersey waiting on my car getting detailed. Always wanted to go inside because of my obsession with Vintage Buildings, diners, signs and Businesses. 

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manna3. Taco Truck In Drums, Pennsylvania . Stopping off to get my money from the trucking center. They pay 80 percent up front. Trucking centers always fascinated¬†me; a whole culture going on there; if you ever need a shower on the go that’s the place to do it.¬†

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4. Me meeting my Blue’s Hero. Good timing. Good Luck. Thanks for the music and the inspiration Buddy.¬†

buddy guy

5. The Buddy Guy Legends sign…so happy to see it. http://www.buddyguy.com¬†I haven’t been back to legends since the 1990’s. It was in a different building back then. I met buddy back then as well, I was 26 years old. I even went to Maxwell Street on the south side back then but it was before camera phones and I didn’t have a camera with me so no pictures, sadly. Rough street but a blues history Gem. I wish I had pictures to share of Maxwell Street but they are only in my mind. Lots of Garbage Can fires burnin’ it was cold. The Hawk was out.¬†

legends sign

6.  So I’m sitting in a McDonald’s in Winnebago County, Illinois drinking coffee watching Fonzi, Captain Kirk, George foreman , Terry Bradshaw trying on lederhosen. I am not sure if it’s a new low or a new high!

jeanne at mcdonalds

¬†7. Traffic. That’s why I sat still for so long.¬†

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I stopped taking pictures after a while because stress took over but I finished driving to Minneapolis, then I turned around and drove back home. Had to get the new car detailed and fixed up so stopped in Rockford Illinois. Saw some messy ice and snow, met a chatty meth head at Starbucks… god bless him and while checking into a ahem..budget motel, I call them shake & bakes,¬† I got propositioned by a creepy hotel owner tweaking¬†on something ..yuk. So 2500 miles later I am back home.¬† Shout out¬†to the folks that helped me along the way and kept me safe. You know who you are. Peace!¬†

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

The Absence of Love

Sometimes the Absence of¬†Love can make us understand it even more. Like the negative of a old photograph, we see it from a different perspective, if you strip away the color sometimes¬†you can¬†find the light. –

Love and Happiness

JLOZ

 

 

 

 

 

 

88 Birds Plus One

I was just sitting there in my car. It was a gloomy day and I was thinking..or at¬†least trying to but my mind was in circles, nothing was connecting. I was in a parking lot of a less desirable mall in Livingston New Jersey. I was there for my job and I couldn’t get out of my car. I was distraught, confused, depressed and a host of other psychological malaise going on that¬†I didn’t understand yet. I’ve¬†been dealing with these¬†painful feelings¬†for years but today was an extra bad day. I felt almost out of body on that day sitting in my car.¬†I was waiting for a sign to get up, feel good and walk into the mall to¬†do what I had to do.¬†I mean¬†I couldn’t sit there all day. I drank some water and felt it slide down slowly thru my body.¬†I was hyper sensitive and felt everything¬†that touched my body, the water, the sweat, my heart beating. I felt something had to happen because¬†I hadn’t felt this bad in days and¬†I felt there¬†must be¬†a reason.¬†I thought about my life and what was to come of it. What would happen to me. I was unsure. Uncertainty had made me fearful before but¬†I was too confused to even be scared this day. As¬†I tried to get prepared to continue my day a white bird flew on the top of my car and landed. After that I saw many birds fly on the car next to me. I could see them as they landed, eye to eye in fact. They would come and then go ..come again and then fly away….one after the next. There was so many.

Was there really 88?¬† There were probably more but that number stuck with me so¬†I used it. They all came and went except for this one bird. He stayed while all the others¬†flew away. This bird sat there and just stared at me, face to face. We were playing that who will blink first game. I looked at him and he had a very angelic glow around him. I kept thinking this must be the sign. I was waiting for a sign and here is this bird just staring at me.¬†I started to think it was my father. He had died¬†a few years before from pancreatic cancer¬†and sometimes I would¬†feel his presence with me.¬†I started to feel like this was my dad telling me to get up and do what you¬†have do and figure it all out. Figure out a way to feel better. Somehow. Get help. I had my cell phone with me so I took a picture of this bird. I wanted to make sure he was really there. If the camera sees it then its real. The way¬†I was feeling I wasn’t ruling out hallucinations or visions. You never know. He stayed with me for a good five minutes. We just looked at each other. I was thinking he better catch up with the other birds but he didn’t, he just sat there and kept staring. He would tilt his little head every once in a while which was quite adorable.

Was it a sign? Was this a special message or was it just a bunch of birds giving the owner of the car next to me a reason to go to the car wash. Who Knows. The spiritual me would like to think it was my dad giving me a kick in ass.

That moment has stuck with me since and I remember taking away this thought while I sat in¬†the parking lot that day. You have to figure this shit¬†out and get better… you must figure this out.¬† No one will figure it out¬†for you. Your life depends on it. Just do it. Don’t Give Up!

The bird finally flew away. I wondered how he was going to catch up to the rest. I drank some more water, took a deep breath and got out of the car and did what I was supposed to do. IMG_0960IMG_0959_2IMG_0958_2IMG_0957IMG_0956IMG_0955IMG_0954_2IMG_0953_1