D for Deranged. 

When I started this blog I knew I was going to be honest about my life and mental illness. I knew it would be cathartic and cleansing for me. I also knew there would be some backlash. I told myself to be honest even if it gets scary. I told myself to tell the good and the bad because that’s life. Even when bad stuff happens I know there is a nugget of truth or wisdom I can take from it. God knows that’s the truth. If there’s one thing I learned in all of the pain; I learned that if you survive it;  it produces something genuine and sinuous. There is a gracefulness of movement in my body and my mind. I don’t mean in the traditional sense but a new-found comfort with myself and how I move emotionally and physically. It’s hard to describe but I am doing the best I can.

I went to a Jam the other day to sing. It was the first time going there and it’s was super fun. I will definitely go back. I met a lot of nice people, musicians etc. When it was my time to get up and sing I was telling everyone what key I was going to sing in so I said Born under a bad sign in D like dog.  Then the Drummer looked at me and said, you mean D for Deranged. I said, what did you just say? I said interesting choice of words.

He just had this weird smile on his face. I was smiling, positive and then he said that. It does hurt because I’m sensitive. It hurts because I try so hard to start over and live a peaceful life. I don’t do well with people attacking me. Especially people I don’t know. If your honest about having a mental illness whether you’re in recovery or not you will have to expect this. I don’t know this man and he damn sure doesn’t know me so he had no right to say that because I am certainly not deranged. The other part of this is I am a woman who does speak her mind. I also let others speak their mind and I will listen but A lot of men hate on that. They call you all sorts of names and your just supposed to take it, like woman aren’t supposed to have an opinion. I told a friend the other day; I said no one is letting me be the new me and it’s so frustrating and he told me to write it down. Yeah write that down. So I did.

It took me a long time to realize how to help myself  but I did. It’s a lot of suffering and a lot of work but I’m doing it and that’s why comments like this is so hard to take. So I wrote it down. No one is letting me be the new me.  I looked at it over and over and I realized why he told me to write it down. I think he told me to write that down because he was telling me they don’t get to choose. You get to choose. You get to choose what and who you react too. What and who you give power too. I already know this. It’s up to me; not them. I know this in my brain but in my heart; it is still not sure; its latent and slow. I might be a bit of a Pollyanna and want to live in a world where everyone loves each other. I never thought Pollyannaism was a bad thing.

I have talked about this before that the stigma for mental health is so severe and negative compared to someone who is suffering from cancer etc. I can focus on the wonderful people I met that night or the few guy’s who weren’t so kind. I was warned by some people that there might be some people there to try to hurt me. It’s up to me what to focus on. I am training my brain to focus on the positive people and forget about the angry negative cruel ones.

Everyday I am getting better, stronger and a little less sensitive. I will always be honest, I will probably still say the wrong thing sometimes but my heart is in the right place. I will apologize if I hurt you and I will still love you no matter what. I love the guy that called me deranged and I love the others guys that stood in front of me when I sang and told me how old I looked. I knew they were trying to intimidate me and that’s cool. If that’s how they want to spend their evening so be it. Sometimes I get mad and forget what it is I’m trying to do. But when I am alone and with myself in solitude I realize then again that I love you all.

I have no room in my heart for any hate; it’s puffed up with love. Peace.

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

 

For the Stalkers 💋

Let everything that’s been planned come true. Let them believe. And let them have a laugh at their passions. Because what they call passion actually is not some emotional energy, but just the friction between their souls and the outside world. And most important, let them believe in themselves. Let them be helpless like children, because weakness is a great thing, and strength is nothing. When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it’s tender and pliant. But when it’s dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death’s companions. Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being. Because what has hardened will never win.  Andrei Tarkovsky

Stalker_poster

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Love and Happiness,

Jloz

Navy Sky

The moon was a perfect sliver in the Navy Sky
As I look up for a moment 
My hands release my head
I'm dizzy. Spinning. 
I look back down and sob
into my hands
as my tears drip softly down to the ground 
thru my long fingers
making little puddles next to my shoes.
I made a mistake
I made a mistake
I am in pain
So I drink
and I drink 
and I drink
and think about what I've done
Over and over like a spinning wheel
I can't stop
Thinking
Thinking
Thinking
I am melting into this bench
wishing I could be this bench
so I don't have to be human ever again.
It seems I never learn
My heart burns
My stomach churns 
and hell returns to me like an old friend who is 
softly tapping me on the shoulder
and whispering in my ear
sweet nothings 
of what could have been.
How sad. 





 

 

 

…..But it’s Tradition

Have you ever heard someone say But it’s Tradition?

 Or why can’t young people just celebrate traditionally or act in a traditional manner?  There are even some people that associate traditions and family values as a synonymous parallel.

You will hear certain politicians talk about American tradition or Family values.

Traditions can be many things. It can be Holidays, Sporting events, Music, Clothing, Food and Drink, Language, Religion. Because America is a huge ” Melting Pot” the lines are more blurred than ever and people can get frustrated , confused and down right ornery about it.

Over a very traditional Easter dinner on Easter day  we were celebrating in a traditional manner. There was family, prayer and Easter egg hunts with colorful Easter eggs and candy.

Someone mentioned my new car and I was telling my family that I named him. My brother-in-law said him? Its supposed to be a girl’s name, cars aren’t named after a male’s name, it is always a female name.

 I said yeah I know that, but I’m a girl so I named it after a guy. He said but traditionally its always a girl’s name.  I  said yes, because Traditionally everything was seen from male’s point of view, a man’s perspective. I mean think about it, who were making all the car ads in the 50’s 60’s 70’s 80’s , men were so of course they are going to name all the cars after women. The whole advertising world taught us that cars were a masculine thing, an extension of the male ego and sexual libido. He didn’t disagree.

Everything was to please the man, the white man if you want to clarify. Just look at all the magazine ads from back in the day, it was all to please men, not women. Even products  that were meant for female consumption, for the wife and the home maker; products like perfume, Tupperware and even Jello still  had advertisements directed to woo over the men first. Woman were secondary. They were not considered the decision makers or the money spenders and ads were usually made to appeal to king of the castle. Men were the kings. That’s how it was.

So who cares about car names anyway but it made a very simple point. Just because something is a tradition doesn’t mean it is good for us or good at all for that matter. It made me think about how easy it is for us to stay in our same thinking patterns even though it may be slanted, bent and we’ll just wrong. These are the same thinking patterns that get us into trouble time and time again.

The inability to think in a inclusive manner and stop falling back into what is comfortable to us. We need to be more aware and re-teach ourselves for out own good, LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, all kinds.

Some American traditions have been steeped in anger, fear, sexist, racist and maniacal tendencies. Burning woman at the stake, Lynching, Hazing, Male Only and all White Only establishments are all American Traditions.

Most of us were NOT brought up on  inclusive ideology. For our own good we need to unlearn sometimes and that’s ok. Unlearning and re-training our minds  is what we all need to do at times to keep America strong. To keep our hearts strong.

It scares me to see the front running Republican Presidential Candidate is running on the back of non-inclusive thought. To be riding the FEAR train and picking up more and more passengers along the way. The fact that he is running on all those traditions I just mentioned, anger, fear, sexist, racist and maniacal tendencies and people are responding. People are responding to their fear and they don’t even know it.  

 I’m am scared.  I’m very scared.

Next time you say BUT IT’S TRADITION  think again. Think Twice.

For our own good.

Love and Happiness

Jloz

ads sexist oneads sexist 2ads sexisit 3