88 Birds Plus One

I was just sitting there in my car. It was a gloomy day and I was thinking..or at least trying to but my mind was in circles, nothing was connecting. I was in a parking lot of a less desirable mall in Livingston New Jersey. I was there for my job and I couldn’t get out of my car. I was distraught, confused, depressed and a host of other psychological malaise going on that I didn’t understand yet. I’ve been dealing with these painful feelings for years but today was an extra bad day. I felt almost out of body on that day sitting in my car. I was waiting for a sign to get up, feel good and walk into the mall to do what I had to do. I mean I couldn’t sit there all day. I drank some water and felt it slide down slowly thru my body. I was hyper sensitive and felt everything that touched my body, the water, the sweat, my heart beating. I felt something had to happen because I hadn’t felt this bad in days and I felt there must be a reason. I thought about my life and what was to come of it. What would happen to me. I was unsure. Uncertainty had made me fearful before but I was too confused to even be scared this day. As I tried to get prepared to continue my day a white bird flew on the top of my car and landed. After that I saw many birds fly on the car next to me. I could see them as they landed, eye to eye in fact. They would come and then go ..come again and then fly away….one after the next. There was so many.

Was there really 88?  There were probably more but that number stuck with me so I used it. They all came and went except for this one bird. He stayed while all the others flew away. This bird sat there and just stared at me, face to face. We were playing that who will blink first game. I looked at him and he had a very angelic glow around him. I kept thinking this must be the sign. I was waiting for a sign and here is this bird just staring at me. I started to think it was my father. He had died a few years before from pancreatic cancer and sometimes I would feel his presence with me. I started to feel like this was my dad telling me to get up and do what you have do and figure it all out. Figure out a way to feel better. Somehow. Get help. I had my cell phone with me so I took a picture of this bird. I wanted to make sure he was really there. If the camera sees it then its real. The way I was feeling I wasn’t ruling out hallucinations or visions. You never know. He stayed with me for a good five minutes. We just looked at each other. I was thinking he better catch up with the other birds but he didn’t, he just sat there and kept staring. He would tilt his little head every once in a while which was quite adorable.

Was it a sign? Was this a special message or was it just a bunch of birds giving the owner of the car next to me a reason to go to the car wash. Who Knows. The spiritual me would like to think it was my dad giving me a kick in ass.

That moment has stuck with me since and I remember taking away this thought while I sat in the parking lot that day. You have to figure this shit out and get better… you must figure this out.  No one will figure it out for you. Your life depends on it. Just do it. Don’t Give Up!

The bird finally flew away. I wondered how he was going to catch up to the rest. I drank some more water, took a deep breath and got out of the car and did what I was supposed to do. IMG_0960IMG_0959_2IMG_0958_2IMG_0957IMG_0956IMG_0955IMG_0954_2IMG_0953_1

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